10.15am Thursday in the salon:
(#ding-dong# Joni minces into salon carrying
large wicker basket..)
Tomasina: "OH you biatch. And what time do you call
this? (limply points at Tina Turner Clock on the wall)
You do KNOW we have to fix Benedictina's perm at half past ten don't you?"
(pivots on heel back to face mirror while snapping scissors agitatedly)
(turns to Didzi, a customer) "Ooohhh get him?! (pouts and shouts back at Tom) Well
I was only trying to HELP darlink, ohhhh some people can be like SOOOOOO ungrateful...(waves hands
about - revealing some immaculately painted fushia nail polish while then artistically pointing to basket) Tomi
darlink, do you KNOW that I have just bought us some FAB fresh supplies of that new 'Tigi bedhead Volumising Spray' from Monica's
Cash & Carry and AWWLL it's going to be
just PERFECTION for Benedictina..LOVE it! " (Checks out his reflection in the mirror)
Didzi: (booming) "AWWLLL REALLY?!
How FAB! COULD YOU RUB SOME OF THAT INTO MINE TODAY? YOU ALWAYS MAKE MY HAIR LOOK SOOOO GREAT, which is
soooooooo BECOMING because I AM GREAT." (Checks out his reflection
in the mirror)
Joni: (running his fingers through Didzi's barnet) "Sure
thing, cute lips. I'll do you....after I've done this lufferly gentleman here...OOh..you could read Knitters Monthly hun
while you are waiting? (passes magazine: Didz smiles contentedly.) (Jon folds hands, looking
daggers at Tom) Hmmphh well I must say it's nice to know at least SOME people around here
Tomasina: "Awww Ok, thanks sugarcake..(Checks
out his reflection in the mirror)..just.as long as you bought the ammonia solution
and..OH.GOD! (slaps hands on cheeks in an exaggerated shocked pose with wide open fish mouth..) THOSE FABULOUS pink rollers with the glitter clasps - oh my GODDDDDDDD please tell me you remembered?!"
Joni: (blows a reassuring kiss while tousling a young man's hair into a topiary
Tomasina: "Phew! (delicately dabs brow with pink handkerchief)
FAB, cos you know what happened when you permed Benedictina's hair LAST time with THOSE
(*shudders*) brown...ones don't you? We SO can't have a temper tantrum in here like that again,
I DO have my regulars to think of you know.."
(#ding-dong# Kieri and Danielle enter salon)
Danielle: "Yoo-hoooo duckies! (Checks
out his reflection in the mirror) (air kisses all round - Danielle and Kieri both delicately take a seat)
Kieri: (shyly) ummm if I may ask...could you
do something with my eye-shadow shade? (gazes anxiously at his reflection)...It's
just that I not sure it's really 'working' with my T-shirts."
Jon: "OH why YES! We SOOO should bring out your
eyes shouldn't we sweeties?" (Tom winks knowingly at Jon out of view of the others.)
daintily with a large eye shadow puffball) (squeals) "Oh absoulutely! (Checks
out his reflection in the mirror)..Ok babes if you could both just close your eyes for me..lovely...lets
start to make your little peepers SPARKLE! Just relax..this isn't going to hurt..."
(Danielle and Keiri rather foolishly comply. Jon and
Tom take out several waxing strips from their pockets... Sudden violent movements follow as they pin the two struggling, screaming men against their
chairs while blasting numerous wax strips across Danielle's central monobrow and Kieri's new
beard growth. After several violent pulls, the strips are eventually ripped off their poor faces..Keiri and Danielle
run screaming out of the salon.)
Joni: "Oh..I dunno what they got soooo upset about sugarcakes, I have been
like DYING to do that for AGES...thank GOD they have got rid of all that fluff now..Hmphh they should be grateful"
(Checks out his reflection in the mirror)
Tomasina: "Oh I know ducks...ahhh
(dabs brow with pink hankie again) ...but now I feel quite worn....Ohhh you couldn't make me
a nice cup of Earl Grey could you sweetie?"(Checks out his reflection in the mirror)
"Sure cute jeans...and for you Didzi babe?"
Didzi: (looks up from reading a most interesting knitting pattern article
for making a lavatory seat cover.) "Wickid yeah, could you make mine
a red bull with strawberry milkshake and Jack Daniels?And ooh, can I have a fondant fancy from Mr.Kipling please, because
(booms) 'THEY ARE SOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCEEDINGLY GOOD'"(Checks out his reflection in the mirror)
(#Ding-dong# Benedictina enters the salon, having
to duck to get through the door without messing up the height of his latest hairstyle.)
Benedictina "Yoo-hoo! I've come for my lickle per-rrrrm!" (Checks out his reflection in the mirror)
Tomasina: (Gasps at Benedictina's barnet) "Oh WHAT the sweet fucklearters have you done to it THIS time Beni dear? I mean for the love of Judy
Garland..GOD it looks like you have got the bastard son of a squirrel's arse and a furooking Cheese plant growing
out of your head."
Benedictina: "Oooh well get you! (pouts moodily and
places hands on hips) I just HAD to do something after YOU last got hold of
it. (Checks out his reflection in the mirror) .. Awww you made it go ALL
flat and SOOOOO LIMP... I wanted it all big tall and stiff.... Hmpph Tomi lovey - you ALWAYS make mine
go all limp.."
(Polite silence descends around the salon as
they wait awkwardly for the Graham Nortonesque moment to pass. Benedictina sits downs daintily)
Tomasina: "O-Kaaaay...(VERY carefully ties
smock around Benedictina) Well let's just move on with your little perm shall we? ...Oooh
Joni sugarcake, show Beni the lovely pink rollers you have got him for his perm today.. awww that should cheer him up....ohh
-they-are- just-FAB! (Jon cheerfully shows Benedictina the perming rollers.)
Benedictina: (jaw drops) "And WHAT the fucklearters are
THOSE??!? I SPECIFICALLY demanded that my rollers HAVE to be Salmon
pink and THOSE (*shudders*) are furooking Magenta pink!"
Joni: "Oh-my-god, not
again, not another one of his....."
Joni and Tomasina together: (slapping hands against cheeks in unison in exaggerated fish/shocked poses)
Benedictina: (continuing rant)"...Hmmph, do you really think
I am going to sit here in this salon for two fooking hours, as MY public is actually looking at ME
through the window, with MY hair covered in MAGENTA rollers? I am NOT repeat NOT HAVING THEM IN MY haiiiiiiirrrrrr!" (Angrily smashes hair products on table in front of him to floor, abruptly gets up from chair and proceeds
to violently strike mirror repeatedly with a violet hued Charles Worthington hairbrush..)
While the others start to cry, Benedictina
continues temper tantrum - stomping around salon trashing everything in site. During this chaos and commotion the
top of Benedictina's hair accidentally knocks over a mysterious box on the top shelf. It crashes to the floor and its
contents: a recorder, some jars of jam and Marmite, some kitten heel boots and a photograph of Halo spill
out...Everybody's pupils dilate as they gaze at the contents. Forgiving manly hugs all round follow, as Tomasina reverses
the sign on the front door of the salon to read "closed for 15 minutes".